(EPONYMOUS NEWSNET NEWS NET, Aug. 26) Republic Party Officials today announced a new national program that would be launched on Inauguration Day, 2017, should Donald J. Trump, the party's current presidential nominee, be elected President of the United States.
"We were looking at this all wrong," according to Republic National Committee Co-Chair, Rinze Endrei, "marketing Trump as a legitimate product. Obviously, the public was not ready to come out of the relative safety of their bunkers, after the primaries, and push the big red 'Go' button on Trump right off," he joked.
Endrei explained that Republicans, seeing the response to their hand-picked nominee, dropped everything and returned to the drawing board, trying to quickly determine a new way to package the often-offensive, brutally insensitive, and frequently insulting candidate.
"We talked about trying to reign him in, and that didn't work -- then, someone reminded us that Americans are used to buying the same old crap in a brand new box, which is what got us thinking," Endrei said.
"We went back to the basics and found some things in grocery store marketing that we think can work for us here," Endrei excitedly emphasized.
The multi-pronged plan envisions a repackaging of Trump as a Loss Leader -- offering something of relatively low value or cost, in order to entice voters into the balloting booth, to service expensive, down-ballot needs of the party's household.
Endrei underscored the importance of the effort. "God help us if we lose control of the Congress, or members will have to start working for a living again. It's been great for us, really wonderful, just saying 'No!' for eight years, and not worrying about having to always do something or move the country forward with any actual policies or plans!"
"Frankly, it's been a relief for our members to keep concentrating on Republican feelings about things, rather than get bogged down with facts and information, then having to come up with programs which really worked for everyday Americans -- I mean, we've got super-rich, incredibly powerful people and corporations on our necks every day, demanding special favors and treatment, which is wearing," Endrei confessed.
Under the new plan for Trump, the party would offer the candidate as a limited-time-only special, to coincide with the bracketed dates of voting in each state. Endrei stated, there would be a coupon available for every registered Republic who takes a blood oath vowing to vote for Trump -- even if the candidate's wealth is discovered to be far less than stated, and if he turns out to be a "thousand-aire," as some gloomy party hacks have called Trump of late.
Endrei revealed the GOP was working out whether or not to include language which invalidated coupons if any member of the party "alluded to or debunked, in any way, the fallacy that everyday Americans could themselves become millionaires, or else that washes out almost the entire underpinnings of the Republican Party!"
Meanwhile, "the coupon," Endrei clarified, "hinges on the additional grocery store idea of a manufacturer's or store coupon being made available, offering discounts or other special terms."
The GOP coupon would be in the form of an indemnification of specified losses by second parties -- in this case, not shoppers, but by voters -- should Trump be elected and trigger any of the losses outlined in the contractual terms of the coupon.
"We batted around the idea of a buy-one-get-one-free promotion," Endrei expounded, but the new back-up Trumpbot is not yet completed and, well, we already had Pence announced as going on this suicide bombing run already."
Under the substantially complex terms of the GOP's "Vote Your Fears Free" promotional offer, voters could receive compensation if, for example, Trump were to negatively affect the national or world economy which then resulted in long-term unemployment in any period lasting longer than 47 months.
(Government benefits, in this case, appear not to be payable until the end of the 48th consecutive month, after waiting the contractually-standard "waiting month," in the event a national or global recovery suddenly began, spontaneously, on its own, meaning no benefits would be paid, retroactive or otherwise.)
Contracts will be held and funded by most, if not all of the same Republican-affiliated companies which originally brought global economies to their knees during the mortgage crisis.
Provisions are also made in the contracts for weekly payments to survivors, should Trump instigate nuclear war, "even accidentally or sarcastically," Endrei confirmed, "with each family of six or more blood-related members receiving a percentage of rations normally received, in pre-tronch'd times, before Trump was sworn in, providing families have on hand, in their survival bunkers, receipts for at least two years of their 'usual and normal' groceries, and each person's 5-year, Daily Eating Diary, as specified in the terms."
Endrei reiterated the no-risk benefit to voters of the GOP's new promotional program, modeled somewhat on Mylan's rebates and coupons to knowledgeable and worried consumers of their EpiPens, who have seen prices skyrocket from $100 to $600 in just nine years.
"We're no Martin Shkrelis, of course, although we did talk to him about the best way to jack up rates. But, this time, we had to take all the risk out of the equation for simple, everyday people, in order for Trump to work with voters. So, in the event of nuclear armageddon, we're now willing to split whatever is left, with any Republican survivors, 90-10."
There was no discussion of post-apocalypse benefits to be made available to any surviving Americans of other political camps, should there be any.
There was also no immediate confirmation that Endrei and other Republicans had initially courted Shkreli as a vice-presidential candidate, upon GOP members learning he had lifted the price of a key drug some 4,000 percent, then defended that price hike as "altruistic."
However, some Republican members of a price inquiry panel quipped at the time that Shkreli must have had "balls far bigger than Trump's, and made of solid titanium." It is rumored that Shkreli, widely considered brilliant in many GOP financial and ethical circles, may be tapped by Republicans in future key races.
Endrei said that he had originally hoped voters might get more of a return on their coupons, under terms of the promotion, but noted that the high costs of program start-up, and the ongoing maintenance fees and bonuses, were already prohibitively high, plus, there was a legally mandated need for shareholders and investors to be able to continuously produce reasonable profits of "from 600- to 700-percent daily" in order to keep key executives happy and on board, and in order to also keep the GOP's program, and entire organization, afloat.
"It's just how things worked out -- just the way that higher math is tyrannical... it's how the vast masses of numbers simply get crunched down," Endrei pointed out.
He concluded, "Trump is still the best GOP political value available on the market today, and Trump himself guarantees it!"
Addendum: After this story was originally filed, Co-Chair Endrei announced that the Trump campaign had just completed the necessary paperwork for Trump to run again in four years, regardless of the result in the coming election. Endrei said, "We'll go after all the marbles again in 2020 -- which is a hell of a year for some hindsight, and for looking less like asses, I think you'll agree!"
Today's Slam-Dunk Musical Bonuses:
It's Good News Week!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RyE0NedXWpM
Good News Week, the update:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0GFRcFm-aY
The coup de grâce anthem for 2016 voters:
(Do yourself a favor: Pause the tune until you can click off all the screen mesages first.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt1Pwfnh5pc
