You just can't get good help anymore. This seems glaringly true for a number of bad apples hogging the news spotlights these days. They all need new advisors, as a basic start.
While these lot-spoiling apples are only a minority percentage of state residents, businesspeople, and total politicians in the country, these small groups always hook the Klieg lights and attention their way. This is usually while they're busy demonstrating one of their strongest assets and skills, being -- to use a (shudder) Grover Norquistian phrase -- poopy heads.
For a limited time, folks, I'm prepared to offer you a real sweetheart deal: excellent advice at no out-of-pocket cost. Yes, I am putting my own personal empire of legal wunderkinder and public relations manipulators at your disposal, free of cost. If you like, I can also have this advice placed on letterhead for you later, as both a reminder and souvenir of the day you got the best deal you ever had.
For you delusional secessionist residents in all 50 states... for you pinheaded emperors (male only, so far) of American business... and for all you Republican politicians (the GOP being 99.8% of the challenged group), my global firm of Floutet, Flauntet & Flamette hereby bestows upon your very sorry butts the following advice:
Keep your damn lips buttoned.
The Guild of Sane Americans, now some 62 million strong, made up of sensible people of sound mind, are all sick and tired of your whining, moaning tantrums and hissing hissy-fits.
Perspective: There was an Obama victory of more than 3 million in the popular vote, and 126 electoral college votes this year -- a huge mandate, compared to Dubya's 2004 wafer-thin, 34 electoral vote margin Republicans hailed as a landslide. (Dubya also won by only 2.7 percent of the popular vote, the smallest winning percentage by a second-term president since the popular vote was first recorded in 1824.)
Still, any Dubya victory was enough to declare a mandate and announce the presence of political capital, as you might remember. Why the comparisons and math? To help us keep in mind the uncommonly sane response of those who lost in both Bush wins, and despite a number of burning legal issues and glaring uncertainties and doubts.
Were there bonfires on the steps of the Supreme Court? Berserk meltdowns of Democratic and Independent business people or politicians? Were there petitions for the immediate expulsion from the union of Florida, Texas, or any other state? If you have forgotten: there were not. Which is exactly the point -- even though much greater pains and much firmer ground existed on which to base such contrary, protesting actions.
Time for Tough Love, victims of your own freak-outs, triggered by reality leakage in the Fox News Bubble -- and then a sudden, loud pop!
Secessionists: All right -- you've made your beserk, howling selves known -- along with making the pinheaded point that you're all in some deep, suffering angst over the inability to now be led by a heartless, millionaire cultist who was exactly like you. You're in a new stage of grief, called Romneysia, or the Romneysian Bends. OK, we get it. Now, get over it, get those Big Person Pants on -- because we've got real work to do in this country, and it's looking like those new nations of Rethuglika and Moronia will be going on the back burner.
Business thugs: We've had it with your imperious, pompous, puffed-up pettiness, making your employees suffer financially, chopping their work hours, all because your candidate didn't win. Cutting back worker hours to avoid giving them health benefits is a sorry, miserable, and foolish way to do business. You'd rather lose business than add a couple pennies on to your products to pay for employee health care? Really? You are only exposing yourselves as nothing more than bitter, immature, petulant, spoiled-rotten children. In almost all cases, we advise you hold your breath lonnnng past the point where you turn blue and pass out.
Republican Politicians: We are especially and completely fed up with all of this religious dementia and otherwise deranged behavior. When you're not being the worst-possible, multi-level hypocrites (campaign) money can buy, you are building new blockades in Congress, helping ensure the people and country will fail, crash, and burn -- simply to serve your own interests. Look, you morons -- You were sent to selflessly (not selfishly) do the People's business. Time to stop being little twits lost in your posing. Get your butts in gear. Do some work for a change -- prove you are worth that nice, fat check, those handsome benefits, and the very fine perks.
Real Americans -- concerned, serious, patriotic Americans -- are sick of all your bluff, bluster, and blunders. We've had it with your inane, hydrophobia drivel, and with all your spiral-eyed, saliva-splattering, and spittle-spewing speeches you always brew up. We're all filled to the top with those pyroclastic, pyrophoric pyrotechnics you continuously wheel out when the news trucks roll up looking for more smoldering sound-bites and hazy, smoke-and-mirror fireworks from you renowned drama queens.
Enough!
Time to rise above, move on, and time to prove to everyone -- even yourselves -- that you are adults, and worthy Americans, and not a complete and total waste of human skin and organs after all.
Get your heads out of your assorted orifices, and let's get it in gear and get going -- we have countries and people all over the world ready to out-produce, out-think, and out-do us. Time to grow up, wise up, and get up out of that deep hole you've dug for yourselves.
You can stay here on the bench, whining, with your opposable thumbs parked somewhere warm and humid on your own person, or you can get off your butts and get with the American program, helping make this Freedom thing we have here actually work.
Oh -- as an added freebie, here's a free upgrade to include all the philanderers and cheats who gravitate into your sick circles and warped worlds:
Keep your damn lips buttoned -- AND your damn flies zipped.
You'll never get better advice. The price will never be better. There are 62 million of us who hope you'll all wise up, wake up, and get to work with the rest of us.
Tough Love may be difficult for you to take, but it's waaay easier than hanging tough, solo, with your Tough Luck, sputtering, sniffling, sniveling, and sulking for the next four years.
Forward and ahead are up this way, not back there, where you are now. Capiche?
Tantrums and hissy fits: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tantrum
The Passing Psycho Parade (only the tip of many icebergs), as below:
Rethug lawmakers come in all flavors -- those in favor of slavery, of putting children to death, of being a member of the KKK, and of believing science is from the pit of hell and that some girls rape easy. Sex is always an issue -- like the Teabagger who has felony sex charges with children pending, and the married abortion opponent telling one of his girlfriends -- the pregnant one -- she should "get this solved." Just a small sample, sad to say:
http://gawker.com/5959087/charles-darwin-loses-to-missing-link
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-250_162-57527387/gop-rep-calls-evolution-lie-from-pit-of-hell/
http://thinkprogress.org/election/2012/07/03/510443/joe-walsh-tammy-duckworth-service/
http://www.nationalmemo.com/republican-rep-offers-fatherly-advice-some-girls-rape-easy/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/08/loy-mauch-arkansas-slavery_n_1948717.html
Strike Three, Part One: http://news.yahoo.com/transcript-rep-desjarlais-urged-abortion-173353830--election.html
Strike Three, Part Two: http://www.timesfreepress.com/news/2012/oct/28/2nd-desjarlais-girlfriend-talks-tennessee/
One that's gone: http://weywerdsun.com/2012/10/09/top-10-extreme-todd-akin-quotes/
Another one gone: http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2012/10/24/gop-senate-candidate-pregnancies-from-rape-gods-will/?iref=allsearch
Behold, the power Mr. Poopy-head: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/12/grover-norquist_n_2116219.html
The Maggot Man: http://www.mcclatchydc.com/2012/11/12/174246/commentary-politician-wants-texas.html
How to gift $100,000 before laying off workers: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1112/83826.html?hp=r9
http://thinkprogress.org/health/2012/11/09/1173181/applebees-ceo-obamacare/
http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2012-11-07/david-siegel-hasnt-fired-anyone-yet
http://www.salon.com/2012/11/16/papa_johns_bad_obamacare_math/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/13/papa-johns-obamacare_n_2123207.html
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2012/11/08/boehner-outlines-session/1691661/
Your Saturday bonus for making it down this far -- the world's coolest flight safety video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBlRbrB_Gnc
