FLOOR DIRECTOR: ... in five... four... three... [silent gestures: two fingers, one finger...]
TALKING HAIRDO: People in low-laying areas all along the mid-Atlantic Seaboard, north, as well as hundreds of miles inland, are being asked to look at their buttocks in their household and workplace mirrors and then wave to them -- buh-bye, kiss-kiss.
ANNOUNCER: Oh, er, ahumph. We interrupt our coverage -- wait. Sorry. Hold on a sec. Yes. Our apologies. We've been informed that announcement's a bit premature. Willard Romney has not yet been elected President of the United States of America, although we understand those arrangements are now underway.
However, just as soon as we receive confirmation from RomneyWorld and GOP world "Manipulate the Vote!" headquarters that the fix is not only in, but an actual done-deal, today's announcement regarding the status of your buttocks will be repeated, along with suggestions how you can best wish them good-bye, along with tips on how to make do without them.
We now return you to our ratings-pumping, product-pimping, revenue-geyser we like to call our 24-7, Action News Team's Special Apocalypse, Weather-Tracker SWAT Unit's Armageddon Alert 2012 Newsflash Headline and In-Depth Mobile Coverage First-Response Broadcast-Elite Shock Troops, always the first at Channel One with boots on the ground in your neck of the woods, whether your woods are standing or flattened...
Um ... however, we do please ask you to cut the team some slack here, as we usually only activate and scramble them into the streets, using our billion-dollar armada of mobile trucks and sky-craft, when there's been a report of 16 or 19 snowflakes spotted on the ground somewhere -- not when there's a real-life, actual storm raging away in progress...
By the way: There is no such thing as anthropogenic climate change, say authorities.
* * * * *
Yes, dear reader: What a difference a day makes.
Under the mandates of RomneyCare, federal disaster relief spending is "simply immoral," according to Romney's speeches predating Hurricane Sandy. These speeches will all be updated, and made to disappear from observer and web memory in due time, meanwhile, a 180-degree policy detour can be expected from RomneyWorld at any moment.
Romney is firm in his belief there is no cause good enough to justify deficit spending -- and that includes emergency spending for federal disaster relief earmarked for communities and individuals.
Deficit spending, as any decent, God-fearing Republican will tell you, is only for endless, pointless, purposeless, needless wars -- or bank bailouts and Grand-Canyon-deep tax cuts for the absurdly rich -- not for such frivolous, unnecessary things like safety-net programs to service the public during time of obvious need or national emergency!
That's what private, individual fortunes are for -- the bootstraps upon which every American must pull and yank! One takes a segment of one's birthright fortune, and provides for him or her self, and builds it all alone, like our rugged pioneer forebears did, and always have, in that rugged, outdoorsy, inherited-wealth, strong-individual-alone, brawny, burly, beefy, muscular, and robustly take-no-crap, American sort of way, flying all alone!
However, says RomneyCare policy: If future generations could be possibly impacted by deficit spending for any reason, well, sorry about your luck, any of you generations alive right now -- looks like no people programs for you! Good-bye! Don't let the RomneyCare screen door slap you in the ass on the way out!
However, should your status change, and you become part of a war effort, war-profiteering center, or American job-gutting-and-off-shoring effort, please notify RomneyCare of your status change, and we will review your case, on a person-to-person, case-by-case basis, and in the order received, and you will be notified if any rescue or emergency support may be forthcoming -- should surplus supplies, staff, and equipment be made available in your region.
Should that happen, you might want to stock up on phone cards and calling plans, as RomneyCare is NOT a toll-free number.
Some additional charges may apply -- in fact, we would be stunned if they didn't, and in vast quantities, replete with your choice of jargon / jive / technical / legalese / computerese annotations in multiple flurries of hundred-page billing notes. Please see 1400-page telephone service manual for details, available at all RomneyCare Service Centers. For Service Center locations, please press "star" nine to approve $93.26 charge for that information on this same call. Otherwise, please see your local....
You see, it's all very simple: Romney has previously stated in recent debates that victims in a number of states hit earlier this year by tornadoes and flooding should not receive governmental assistance. None. Zero. Zip, Zilch, and Nada.
(It's actually quite astounding that Romney hasn't already given speeches mandating that these disaster victims -- in fact, any disaster victims since the founding of the country, descendants included, give back the money, to be repaid at a reasonable, low, low rate of five percent, say?)
In addition, Romney has stated the Federal Emergency Management Agency should be privatized. Any questions? Oh, sorry -- shouldn't have asked that. Here, maybe this recording the RomneyCare rep left behind will help. > click <
We're not sorry, but no one is currently standing by to answer your questions or needs, so save it for someone who might come along later who actually cares. This is a business, and this is capitalism at work here, not your namby-pamby, do-gooder, not-for-profit government agency! And, as such, we will charge for all services rendered!
Meanwhile, thank you for voting Romney, for voting a straight Republican ticket no matter how crooked we get, and for supporting the Grand Old Party, even at the ongoing and constant risk to your own life and to everyone you love. Remember our motto when the going gets tough: Hey -- things happen, so get over it! And have a great day!
* * * * *
When Mittens gives you a hand in time of dire need, and his empathetic team pulls you from the waterlogged, cold and wet briny reality of your situation -- you had better be prepared to be slammed against the side of the boat a number of time in a warm, welcoming attempt to help you dry off.
Be sure to say thank you, if you're still conscious, when RomneyCare responders pull you into the boat. Be prepared to provide valid credit or debit card information, or you're headed right back into the drink for more dog-paddle practice, or a chance to pick up your completion certificate for "Dead Man's Float."
Thank you for choosing RomneyCare!
* * * * *
ANNOUNCER: Breaking in now with a live report, we're receiving reports of another triple-reversal in irreversible, unchangeable core beliefs and firm-flexible-final policy stances from our trackers at RomneyWorld Flip-Flop Control...
TALKING HAIRDO: In a quadruple-gainer back-flip, long-predicted by storm forecasters, Romney handlers have just provided the most recent press release quoting the Romney team's currently new, and yet always-firm, stance on federal assistance.
The release, dated, "Whenever the next big storm comes up," is meant to assure... Oh, sorry -- we were supposed to fill in today's date and time right there, but not read that part -- assure Republicans, real property owners, and those with a net worth exceeding one million dollars, that federal disaster assistance will be made available, at the current emergency rate, with absolutely no surcharge -- only a small percentage fee of net worth for non-prior arrangement of emergency services during a declared, non-emergency period of calm....
... however, we have yet to receive confirmation that emergency services will in fact be made available on a space-available basis to members of the 47 percent, although early reports that almost-to-nearly every somewhat-reasonable attempt will be made to accommodate this group as well, and at only 9 to 36 times the current emergency rate -- depending on factors such as race, sex, age, political affiliation, NRA membership, country club status, part of town or location of submerged or damaged assets..."
* * * * *
So, here we are again. Business as usual: Crazed preachers blaming the hurricane on gays, while Romney poll workers are instructed in flim-flamming voters.
What's the latest count again on numbers of voters likely dropped from participation, after suppression and intimidation efforts? Really -- that many millions? Good, good.
Meanwhile, another privileged, overstuffed Republican dork comments on the stampeding herd of GOP candidates and office-holders who are mammothly clue-free on the subject of rape, and equally aloof regarding their foul sentiments and cloddish statements spewed nonstop, handing down a sensitive apology to women: Ah, just fageddaboudit, ladies, and go on home to your kitchens.
These Republicans are just wizards when it comes to courting the women's vote, don't you think? They even had the foresight to freshen up their long-standing war on women this year! These sharp political operators just never miss a trick!
* * * * *
For anyone who believes a question may be still lingering, mid-air, regarding community and/or can-do spirit, here goes: If you wanted a sense of community, a feeling of sharing and working together, of everyone pitching in, everyone sharing a load, as we all help build prosperity and a better day for America, and for all her people?
Well, if you really wanted that, why are you voting for Republicans, for Teabaggers, for Libertarians, or anyone else who wants to drown government in a bathtub? For people whose entire lives are devoted to scrimping on regular people in order to spend millions and millions to sate special interests?
If you wanted that cheery, cozy, simple domestic scene ala Norman Rockwell, why did you vote instead for plain-Rockwell, and all the other military-industrial complex behemoths?
Or are you just fair-weather Republicans, where you'll vote any other "little people's" group down into hell, just so long as yours is not yet included in them -- so long as you're still safely voting from the calm, green, manicured surface of your home, there in Ruling Elite Wannabe Estates?
It's just that others should tighten their belts and be prepared to make sacrifices, but not you, right? Naturally. Quite understandable. Of course not.
Well, we wish you people (to use a Romneyism) happy sailing on your yacht, the Laughing Hypocrite. Gee, we sure hope you don't encounter any hull-cracking items lurking in the water -- you know, storm damage running back out to sea. Terrible though it would be, there's a fascinating human interest story angle on this one, if your yacht is actually taken out by a chunk of orphanage, hospital, or storm shelter...
But, if your yacht has problems and starts to sink and swamp -- just wave to us, safely here on shore... yeah, that vast horde of the vile 47 percent you'd long ago written off. We'll take a vote to see if anyone wants to rescue you -- and, if they do, exactly how many figures north of ten digits it'll actually take.
Bon Voyage.
A flip on the latest Romney flop: http://thinkprogress.org/politics/2012/10/30/1110921/romney-flips-fema/
R & R disaster relief trends: http://thinkprogress.org/election/2012/10/28/1102471/romney-ryan-disaster-relief/
House Republicans - more disasters: http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2012/10/29/1103971/how-house-republicans-would-make-it-harder-to-provide-hurricane-relief-efforts/
Gay hurricane: http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2012/10/29/1104901/anti-gay-preacher-blames-hurricane-sandy-on-homosexuality-and-marriage-equality/
The GOP beat goes on: http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2012/10/30/1106961/romney-wisconsin-poll-watchers/
"Get over it, ladies" says The All-Knowing Newt: http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2012/10/28/1101761/gingrich-mourdocks-comments-every-catholic-believes/
