It's been a long weekend of eyebrow-lifting reports, likely the perceptual hangovers from the holiday, combined with the come-and-go effects of our ongoing intersection with the Bizarro Universe.
Steely-eyed readers with exceptional powers of recall will remember these odd and unpredictable effects on life in this universe first began because of -- or resulted in -- Willard Romney's selection of Paul Ryan to be his Veep-runner in this marathon presidential race.
Head of Monitoring at the Truly Vast Array of Radio Dishes, Optical Telescopes, and the Koole-Lukking Instrumentation Cluster at Imposing Institute, Dr. Oliver Sudden, said, "We've been keeping an eye on Bizarro outbreaks over the weekend, and there's been a rise in dumbfounding events -- although there's nothing quite like Americans having a long holiday during a full moon, either, to kick things up a notch."
Dr. Sudden added, "Readings suggest we have entered a new phase of increased oscillations -- think of it as a series of much more rapid flip-flopping back and forth than usual between our two universes."
He suggested this may help explain both Romney's and Ryan's increased inabilities to keep their stories straight, especially when going from one audience to another. "It also helps explain why so many people are reporting a weird "flickering light" or "shadow-ghost" effect around the two men," he said.
"If I didn't know better," Dr. Sudden speculated, "I'd say that Romney and Ryan are not even human, but are merely being broadcast here, direct from the Bizarro Universe, and are just not tuned-in all the way. You just get the impression of no substance when you look at them. Maybe, their Bizarro broadcasts are getting a bum hop off our moon."
Elsewhere, there was no shortage of Bizarro-effect situations over the weekend. Here are a few:
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Pepsi announced it was looking into lab-created sweeteners that may be a thousand times more potent than aspartame -- new diet-soda chemicals that can, if needed, "grow a live chicken head on a dead log," according to a spokesperson. "Although, we might also take another look at whaddyacallit, regular sugar."
Coke officials said they were already acting along the same lines, noting in a press release, "Consumers seem to be finally getting leery of 43-syllable-long sweetener names that are byproducts of coal tars, pumice, and stewed, fermented athlete's attire."
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McDonald's has announced a line of vegetarian fare that will be deep-fried in beef tallow and lard. "We've got lots of it left, from when we stopped using it for 'fries," a spokesperson said, "so, no problem there!"
Anticipated hits are the quarter-pound McEggplant Burger with bacon and extra cheese, as well as the McShroom Goulash with veal au jus.
Some cities will continue to test-market the McSweetbread Pizza Points with Canadian Bacon, as well as the McLiver and Brussels Sprout Pie -- with or without fish, pork, oxen, alligator, or the special Game Animal of the Month, like wildebeest or emu.
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Apple was granted approval on a series of iphone patents that will result in spraying some users with a strong, butter-flavored scent, then cause users' pants to unexpectedly fall around their ankles, temporarily immobilizing line jumpers at public events.
It is the latest in an unending series of Apple's new "icomply" modifications and features created and installed at government request.
The new features are locked to users, but can be instantly triggered, individually or in co-located groups, by government decree. Previous modifications to disable cameras in specific locations were seen as halfway measures by neocons still housed in the Department of Homeland Overreaction, concerned about the ever-increasing incidence of queue jumpers.
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Leaked diplomatic cables have revealed the real reason for the decade-long occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan: Opium Cola.
Stolen oil fields, claims on rare earth minerals, commandeering of oil-pipeline routes were all feints to keep quiet the single-most profitable enterprise on the face of the Earth today -- thousands of times more profitable than oil, diamond, or gold exploration and exploitation.
Bits of cables between U.S diplomats, at home and abroad, show phrases like, "Not just gravy train - gravy planet!" and "Bigger than cocaine cola and Iran-Contra under Reagan!"
One cable shown directly to press members stated, "INSANE TO STOP NOW. STOP. DON'T STOP! STOP. TRILLIONS HERE. STOP. GOOD FOR CENTURIES. STOP. IMPERATIVE WE NOT STOP! STOP."
Widespread Republican payoffs -- to individual members and via massive donations allowed under the Citizens United decision -- were mentioned in cables as well, although GOP spokespersons have refused to clarify the exact amounts received to date, pending review of members' IRS obligations and passport statuses, and until assembly of a new legal team for the Party has been completed.
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And, in national news: In hundred of communities named "Concord" across the U.S., a spontaneous outbreak of discussion was experienced late Monday, with citizens openly and often very heatedly debating whether or not they should change their town names to "Conquered," should "One-Percenter Romney and Teabagger Ryan," as some townspeople called them, actually win in November. There were no injuries or fatalities reported in the verbal dust-ups.
Meanwhile, Americans polled during their holiday getaways had no clear notion of the reason for their extra day off work, with 14% saying it had something to do with Mother's Day, while 12% said it was a "holiday of convenience selling" created by the school supply, furniture, and automotive industries.
About 50% said it was a day set aside by the country's founders to honor unions, of one man and one woman in all things -- except equal pay for equal work, or an equal voice in health care, or an equal choice in "how things should go," as most respondents, male and female, said.
In Bizarro Universe, the inexplicable keeps happening in phases, over and over, just like here. It sure makes it a whole lot harder all the time, telling these two places apart.
