That's right, value seekers -- and there's a seeker born every minute -- we're having our quadrennial Presidential Liquidation Sale days early, by popular demand... (and by our own insistence that we get all these odds and ends out of here, and out from under foot, before someone in this overstuffed warehouse accidentally gets hurt or maimed.)
We might have lost our lease! (Although Aunt Tilly says it might be in the junk drawer.) We've definitely lost our minds! (You kidding me? This campaign has gone on long enough to drive anyone completely bats.) But, we haven't yet lost our nerve! (That's right, if you don't come see us today, we can't make any money!)
You name it, we've got it! Come in today while selection is still best! We've got slightly irregular online pieces and blurbs... factory-second factoids and full-length facts... as well as custom-spun yarns and well-waxed tales -- and, all with your mind in mind!
There's the regular and the big-and-tall of it, the serious and silly, the outrageous and sedate, and the long and the short of it -- which is just about the long and short of it for us! We're overstocked with online inventory and our server is jammed up with storage costs! Come on down and help us pass along the economy-of-scale savings, right on to you!
Check out our clearance anecdote rack -- buy one, get fifteen free! Now, if that isn't a sweet sixteen deal, nothing is! And, just take a look at all these superfluous, wordy, periphrastic, roundabout, circumlocutin' speeches in the bargain bin -- only a dollar-a-holler'd page... less than half a penny a word -- guaranteed, at least two hundred fifty empty words on every sheet! Wow!
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In its 38 years of existence, the USA TODAY Editorial Board has never endorsed a candidate for president....
