Preheat environment to global heating specifications. Take a bitterly split America. Smear with layers of rich, premium, Citizens United (TM) dough. Add an overabundance of cracked, mixed nuts (right side only). Beat incessantly for 3.9 years, or until population is completely frothy.
Next, fold in sprayable, fully buttered-up and money-sweetened manure. Turn heat up under mixture via lack of media controls. Poke at constantly with sharp stick until entire mass is boiling and seething. Using no intelligent guidance whatsoever, serve with seasonal sides: Delusional Greed Cakes (Republicans), Repetitive Dismay Bars (Independents and Greens), and Wishful Thinking Cookies (Democrats).
(For extra texture, add Surprise Blowout Frosting, available from Hurricane Whimsies by Sandy -- now with boutique locations from the Bahamas and up into Canada.)
Caution: Filling will be steamy and lethal. Let cool for remainder of current archeological / geological cycle before attempting to extract poisons for safe review by future generations.
Note: If it isn't, it should be against the law to serve to children under 18, and anyone wearing an "American Hopes and Dreams" medic-alert badge from The Founder's Constitution Appreciation Society -- or anyone else bearing enough awareness, intelligence, and spine to refuse service from the Free All Day and All Night, All You Can Eat and/or Take Buffet.
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In its 38 years of existence, the USA TODAY Editorial Board has never endorsed a candidate for president....
